In the pursuit of perfect homebrew, failure still makes beer.

Does a sexy beer label correlate to a delicious beer?

The Dallas Observer came out recently with their top list of 15 Sexiest Beer Labels. This presents an intrinsic beerstat question: does a sexy label correlate to a sexy beer?

I’m gonna go nerd on this one for a second.

Looking at the list, there are some obviously fantastic beers. Notably, Lagunitas shows up twice within their top 5 with their Lucky 13 Red Ale (described as “mondo” on the label) and their Lil’ Sumpin Sumpin limited release ale. I’ve never tried either, but Lagunitas makes some fine craft beer. Coney Island Sword Swallower steel rail ale is delicious, but the label isn’t too sexy – although that kind of swallowing is in fact impressive, it’s not to be expected from a potential lady friend. Brother Theloneous Abbey Ale is also amazing, just amazing, but the label is a different kind of sexy – a jazzy, highly respected, untouchable sexy, like Jenna Jameson at a blues bar in a black dress (but here, JJ is a Monk).

There’s also some confusing choices. St. Pauli’s is the most iconic sexy German girl label, but their beer isn’t too impressive. And Miller High Life?! At #5, this choice is confusing, condemming the Observer’s taste in beer and as well as questioning their attraction to the lady in a large red hat. I also understand the whole “manly” equality piece for Well Hung wine (WTF IS THIS DOING IN A BEER LIST) and Santa’s Butt Porter, but come on ladies, those labels are going after laughs, not libido.

To quell my fears of bad science, I’ve done my own analysis of this list. I’ve taken the BeerAdvocate scores and cross referenced them with a personal sexiness rating, from 1 to 10. Then, through complex statistical analysis, I can reorder the list in a manner which I see fit.

NOTE: This ratings system is far different than your regular boys-night-out rating system of 1 to 10, referring to the number of beers you’d have to consume in order to engage in activity with said external parties.

ANOTHER NOTE: It’s best to read this list while looking at the Observer article, then tell me how much my rankings suck in the comments section.

My List:

Check out the notes below.

Notes for sexy ranking explanation:

  1. Respect the king.
  2. Imagine you taking a lady back for some adventures, and as you pour her a champange-beer she takes a perky interest in it while undressing. This is what that looks like.
  3. Very nice corset and jumper getup. But why the Wishbone dog cameo? That’s like your dog ruining your advances in the bedroom by pooping on the floor next to the hamper.
  4. So many women for one man, plus a funnny catchphrase. You’ve sold me.
  5. Seductively leaning over the banner, plus a lack of gag reflex.
  6. In Soviet Russia, beer drinks you!
  7. Cute girl, but why is only one arm tied up?
  8. Marylin Monroe copycat label, plus the chick is a butterface.
  9. Classic sexy label. Also represents every man’s dream of going to Oktoberfest and witnessing one million sexy blondes dressed in this getup.
  10. A little cartoony, so that takes away from sexy. But extra points for checkered skirts and shapely features.
  11. Too many clothes and berries. Not enough redhead.
  12. Come on, give me something more than shoulder. What is this, the 30’s!?
  13. The fact that it’s a porter makes me nervous that it actually came *out* of Santa’s Butt. He must get backed up gastrointestinally on Xmas eve.
  14. Shed new light on the saying “He’s got some grapes, he does”
  15. This girl has more clothes on than bros who drink it have flow. The saving grace is that 3-pixel long cleavage peek.

Some graphical goodness:

BIATCH I JUST GRAPHED YOUR ASS ALL OVER THE PLACE

As you can see from the data, there is a general trend downward in sexiness as the quality of the beer goes down. But for some beers like Miller High Life, no amount of nude women will ever make your beer taste good. Something like Old Rasputin RIS is held high by it’s deliciousness, while beers like Santa’s Butt suffer severely from… well… man butt on your label. Brother Theolnious takes the top while only being in the middle of the pack, BA ranking-wise. But damn, he is one sexy mothatrucker.

In conclusion, it’s mildly safe to have a “Hey, let’s just drink beers with busty women on the label!” night and still hold your clout as a real beer drinker. Just stay away from the High Life.

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