In the pursuit of perfect homebrew, failure still makes beer.

Horrible Beer Ideas 2012

We’re all looking for the next big thing in beer, whether it be style, flavors, or packaging, to come along and try to coerce us into giving somebody else our hard-earned cashola. And while I happily hand mine over to many vendors and purveyors of malty hoppy treats, here’s a few ideas that, in my opinion, make me turn the other cheek.

Brewpunch – Bring Flavor to the Party!

Everyone wants a beer with more flavor. Light lager macrobreweries go to extreme lengths to prove that their beer has more flavor. This company, on the other hand, wants you to embrace the fact that light beer has no flavor. No, instead, take this Crystal-Light-knockoff pack of sugar FunDip and pour it straight into your bottle!

Just some quick Q&A from the makers of Brewpunch, from their website:

What is Brew Punch?

Brew Punch is a liquid, calorie-free, beer and cocktail mixer. Add one of our three flavors: Fruit Punch, Mango, or Pomegranate to any light beer or a vodka soda and bring some flavor to the party. Whatever party is using Brewpunch as a mixer, I hope I’m never invited to it.

Can you add it to dark beer or craft beer?

The Brew Crew doesn’t recommend adding flavor to any dark or craft beers. Brew Punch is best when enjoyed with light beer or cocktails with club soda. Basically, anything with water. A.k.a. just repackaged concentrated lemonade mix sold to alcoholics.

What’s in it?

Each Brew Punch flavor is a concentrated blend of the artificial sweeteners sucralose (Splenda), acesulfame potassium (Ace-K), as well as natural flavors. About as natural as Pamela Anderson’s chest, I bet.

With tantalizing flavors like those, you’ll never have to drink anything beer flavored ever again! Please, are you kidding me? First of all, it probably tastes like Kool-Aid gone wrong. Second of all, anyone who makes any kind of mixing drink (Gatorade, lemonade, protein shakes, cocaine smoothies) knows that in order to get the little flavor globules into solution, you have to agitate it. That means you’ll have to shake or stir your beer in order to mix it. Even for light beer, that’s blasphemy. I hope I don’t catch someone buying this in any supermarket. I’ll get Panda-level angry.

The Bud Light Lime Beerjito

I, *personally* am not a fan of beer cocktails. There’s a growing trend within the craftier beer world to try and enjoy beer in different ways – which I can respect. But mixing beer with anything is something that shouldn’t be done. Creatively it’s an interesting concept, playing with flavors and textures and finding a whole new source of ingredients for cocktail mixing. Call me old-fashioned: I don’t think you should be able to get away with mixing beer and liquor. It’s the first rule of avoiding a hangover, for christ’s sake. We all made that mistake in college.

Malibrew Light was a great idea at the time.

This being said, AB-Inbev is trying to catch the wave on this growing trend and pre-packaging their already amazing light beer products with flavors resembling a cocktail… like a margarita in a can. Now, the new wave is trying to refurbish the refreshing mojito and put it in a handy bottle. Great, because I love drinking lime-and-mint flavored cocktails. Oh wait, it’s just Bud Light Lime with mint flavoring? Never mind.

People can keep their beer cocktails in my opinion, and more power to them. But this is just disgusting. Reading from people who’ve already had the product, it tastes like minty crap. Which was to be expected. Remember that one time your buddy spiked your beer with tequila? Yeah, that didn’t taste good. Neither will this.

The New Miller Lite Punch-Top Can

Dude, it’s a glorified, legalized shotgun mechanism. It’s not like Miller Lite already had a reputation as a beer you could easily consume a whole lot of in a small amount of time. You’re just asking for trouble here. It’s along the same lines as the Coors Light “vent mouth” that came out a few years back, striving for the “Smoothest Pour.” At least Coors was subtle about it. The commercial is actually encouraging people to use whatever they have on hand to punch the beer and enjoy as quickly as possible (my personal favorite is the pool cue). Whatever happened to shotgunning the old-fashioned way, on top of car hoods wearing Lax jerseys and listening to Miley Cyrus, using nothing but car keys and a rough realization that girls will get soaked because they don’t do it right? Those were the good old days. These kids today don’t know what they have. Get off my lawn.

Noddin’ my head like yeah, movin’ my hips like yeah.

At least this gimmick has function, as opposed to the Vortex Bottle. What a bunch of baloney. Regardless, I guarantee that in no time, Miller’s sales will mostly be attributed to their target age range, the 16-24 year olds.


2 responses

  1. Funny how you should post this write up. I was at a cookout yesterday where I heard someone touting the virtue of the Beermajito whatever saying it was “pretty good.” Then my friend started opening the Miller cans with that vent. “It makes it so you can drink it without that glug glug thing the can does.” Oh man, what are people drinking these days?

    PS – those kids are standing on a car ROOF, not a hood, get your partying straight! =)

    May 20, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    • My bad Dana. It’s hard to tell even the floor from the ceiling at that point.

      May 20, 2012 at 1:45 pm

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